Anna Jean

Mom holding me with sisters surrounding!

 

My mother Anna Jean passed quietly into eternity on January 31st of this year.  I cannot believe that it is already May. May.  It still seems so fresh...this new existence...this seeing life from a new angle.

Mothers are so much of who we are...how we see ourselves....how we see our world.  We struggle to break free from this imprinting,  yet it is still so close to our heart.  I had a special mother-friendship  as an adult.  I began grieving the loss of this relationship in little spurts at the beginning...the first time I realized that I needed to be there more for her than she was for me.  The first time she could no longer care for my father by herself and finally broke her silence and cried out for help which we (my husband and I) were more than willing to give (and realized how much she had tried to do it all on her own). The first time she could no longer trust herself to drive and now needed me to take her places, to dr. appointments, to provide company and do errands, give showers and cleaning.  God gave me so much love to do the tasks that were needed.  He gave me endless patience and desire to do a good job at this new role.  Yet the grief process had begun.

Grief.  It continued for many years.  Not really showing itself, just sneaking around when I least expected.  When I was surprised that things were not quite like they had been between us.  That I could not react in "little girl" ways but that I would learn and do what she had always modeled for me.  And there were times when she was not happy with MY mothering, and making the decisions, and having to make hard choices.  Gratefully I had a good teacher.

I think that my grief is not yet fully realized.  I was intimately involved in all her care for so long  that each step, each period was a new challenge of letting go...allowing the change, the aging, the frailty and a new definition of the relationship to take place. 

Just before she went "home" she seemed scared as if to say with her eyes, "what is this...is this it?  am I dying?"  All of us...her family...helped her to make that final transition, to let go without fear, to know that we would be okay, that we would miss her and that we were excited for her to see all those who would joyfully meet her. She let go peacefully and it was a gift to be with her in those final moments.  We tearfully sang "What a friend we have in Jesus" and "Amazing Grace" in those last breathing moments, we prayed and thanked her and as Pastor Greg said in her eulogy,  we had come full circle.  The mother who sang and prayed with us as children and invited us in to cuddle when we were scared and had gotten us off to church each week whether we liked it or not! now had her children singing and praying and helping her to not be afraid and trust the strong arms of God. 

How can I grieve when God has given me the best?  The chance to be reunited.  The love of a passionately loving mother who did all she could for her family.  Thanks mom!  You are missed.  It is a joy to remember all the years.  The early ones, the middle ones, the later ones.  Thank you.

November 2012

Sun City Dec. 25th, 2009

What's a weekend?

Its been awhile since I've posted. Its not that I have nothing to say I just seem to feel reserved about putting out what I am thinking on a web page. I really need to either get connected to others who are caregivers or start my own blog about caregiving. I have several nieces who are "stay at home working" moms who homeschool. Even though our situations are quite different there are some commonalities. I could use a place to be able to express feelings and difficulties that wouldn't be perceived as complaining or unhappiness. Caregiving has its challenges and rewards. Someone on facebook expressed their anxiousness for the weekend to come and I thought "what is a weekend?" Its been awhile since I had the luxury of the feel of a "weekend". I do look forward to it on one hand because my husband and I go to church together for a couple of hours on Sunday and on Monday try to leave the house for another couple of hours to have a "date". So in that sense I look forward to a break from my routine. I don't mind routines and see the benefit of them for those you care for. They thrive better with predictable eating/sleeping/caring routines but sometimes you want to break out of that too! I am doing better about catching an hour and a half before dinner to go swim. Its a necessity to care for myself. Most days I do this but sometimes it doesn't work. I am going to take mom to Michigan in early June and we'll return late October. This is a big undertaking but as long as she still desires it we will do it! Chris is there to help me and it helps the "routine" change needs! Bob will be retiring in July so he will be with us the whole time in the UP. Whether I get to see him all that much when he is there will remain to be seen. Ha. He is a busy woods guy when he is in the UP. I told him that when we return to Phoenix I will get him busy with stuff I would like to do!