endurance...weeping may endure for a night but joy...comes in the morning.

Peli is pondering tonight.  Mom suffered a stroke to her left side of the brain on October 26th.  This affected her ability to speak and move her right side.  Her right arm is weak...not completely immobile but mostly so... She is aware of what is going on and will raise her left arm to confirm a question.  However I do sense a deep depression with her since sometimes she smiles and makes a huge effort to smile at those who come in to care for her.  She doesn't spend her energy trying to smile at Chris or I...although sometimes she does...you get the feeling that there is only so much energy she can produce and she uses it sparingly.  I am so very sad tonight.  so depleted.  so forlorn.  I just want the very best for her.  I want her to pass peacefully...to feel that her time on earth is completed...but in God's timing...not my own.  I feel like she is overwhelmed by this new challenge.  Initially she seemed to bounce back.  Beginning to speak a bit and make the effort to move.  She is being transferred by Hoyer lift now.  She is eating pureed foods and drinking water that is thickened.  She chokes at times and is so frustrated.   Today she was calm and quiet and very very sleepy.  I did not get much reaction from her at all.  A few times I did see that she understood.  I prayed and talked with her.but she is so flat.  Not emotional.  No crying.  That almost seems unnatural.  At times I have projected that she is mad at me...like I've made this happen.  I am her "mother" and I let this happen.  There was no warning.  She was talking and alert and then she wasn't.  She was already so limited...in her movement...in her body pains.  Now she can't express herself.  It must seem like the ultimate humiliation.  She was enjoyed by her caretakers especially because she could respond and converse and laugh.  Now that is even taken away from her.  They loved her smile and her sense of humor.  She tries still to engage them.  She engages them.  Not me.  I am not the one who needs the effort because I will always be there.  I can see some of them withdraw.   They have been there before.  They cared and their effort was culminated in death.  So they are matter of fact.  About their business.  Nothing unusual.  For me its so hard.  for them...its a job...its a daily occurance.  So much death...so much loss.  Small towns are full of death and life.